Movie Review: Prisoners

By Elie - 6:00 AM

I need you to calm down.

I kind of read that in Darren's voice like he does back in the days I was still interning at Nuffnang. But no! I will NOT calm down because I want nothing but to rant about the movie, Prisoners.

A poster I pulled off Google.

Pic credits: http://www.beyondhollywood.com

The storyline appeared interesting enough when I heard of the Nuffnang Premiere Screening of Prisoners and I thought, "It wouldn't be that bad, there's Hugh Jackman through it all!". And if you had no idea how much I've been swooning over Hugh Jackman lately, here's a review of Wolverine for you. A father gets fairly desperate when his daughter has been abducted in a complete sudden on Thanksgiving night when she and their neighbour's daughter heads home to look for a little red whistle. He searches, he melts down and he goes further than anyone could ever go just in order to find his precious princess back. Or at least we thought.

Prisoners was really promising in the trailer what with the action and the suspense it had built up over the minute and a half. What it didn't tell you however was that whatever cool stuff you see in the trailer is all you'll be interested in seeing. It is horribly slow, absurdly nonsensical and is filled with pure boredom. ~~I'm really sorry for spoiling it for you here...~~ well actually I'm not, I'm doing you a favour and saving you 3 hours of your wonderful life because this movie is just not worth it. You shouldn't spend your good money on this and I'm not even sure it's worthy of *coughs* illegal ways to obtain it. No kidding, it is that bad.

Say what I'm in this sucky movie? What?

Pic credits: http://www.cowboysindians.com

Like I've said, how could it be that even with Hugh Jackman in this movie, I could hate it so much? He plays Keller Dover in Prisoners, father of the abducted child; Anna Dover. From his truck, I'm assuming he does repairs and constructions but he doesn't seem to do a lot of that until about 3/4 of the movie when he builds this huge room looking thing to be fitted in a toilet. Because what is logic.

I'm sorry I had to resort to a meme like this.

Generated from imgflip.com

Jackman is seriously NOT Jackman in this movie. He is weak, annoying and extremely loud. Like 70% of the time he is screaming and shouting in this movie, possibly due to the pressure of finding his daughter to soothe his drugged up wife but I felt like Jackman overdid it. I cringed every single time he shouted because it was just so much hell to have to listen to him shout. Please just stick to being Wolverine where you're sexy, mysterious and yummy. Please.

No, no, no! Why am I acting in this?

Pic credits: https://static.squarespace.com

Well, even Jake Gyllenhaal couldn't save the day. And I have to say, he looks very fat in this movie. Maybe it was his shirt that looked 3 sizes too small for him or that he was just very fat. And unfit. Also someone should remind him to STOP BLINKING HARD. When he blinks, I cringe because he tends to shut his eyes really forcefully and I feel like he appears a little (I apologize for my choice of word) retarded. His performance is just terrible with him looking stoned 60% of the time and when he is seemingly brilliant, he loses his cool and creates a mess out of everything. The fact that he was called Detective Loki really didn't help either because whenever anyone in the movie said his name, I could hear the rest of the cinema sniggering away. It's sad how they couldn't just pick a better name for him and had to leave the poor guy such a name that everyone would laugh at. But really, he wasn't all that great in here. Maybe he should stay in Brokeback Mountain or something. At least he looked sexy there.

So just to wrap up because I really can't get on with talking about this, I'm hitting it a 1/10. For all of you who know, I've always been very lenient on movies. I give credits to the handsome actors, the hot actresses and possibly a good storyline if there are none of the two. But this is just a disaster that cannot be saved even if you put Robert Downey Jr. and Leonardo DiCaprio into it. My advice? Don't ever spend any of your money on it. You'll be better off watching something better like About Time or We're The Millers. At least you wouldn't feel like your life has been sucked out after the show. The name of the movie is very apt however. You guys would all be their prisoners for 3 long hours and be completely uninterested after. I totally see what you did there, directors and screenplay writers of Prisoners. I totally see what you did there.

And the ending sucks by the way. Just saying.